Advice for carers
Someone you love has cancer…
A person you love has been diagnosed with cancer, or has started treatment for it, or may even be currently quite unwell with it, and perhaps in hospital. Are there any guidelines for you? Any “do’s” and “don’ts”?
Of course such situations are deeply personal, and you may well know quite well yourself exactly what your friend or relative wants or needs. Nonetheless, over the years, I have learnt certain rules, and I hope that some of these may be helpful to you, modified and altered always, of course, by the individual personality and needs of the person you are concerned about.
Be yourself
This sounds trite, but we often get hung up when we visit people who are sick, by our own self-obsession. The most important thing is that you care enough to have taken some steps to show your concern, whether this is by visiting, sending a gift, or a card, or phoning. The gesture is what counts.
If you’re upset to the point of tears, fine. Cry. There can be no finer demonstration of how much someone means to you than such spontaneous displays of emotion.
Be physical
Actions are far better than words. Even if it’s your boss, and you’ve never done it before, if you feel so inclined, give her a hug.
Don’t ask too many questions
People who are dealing with cancer at any stage are often exhausted with their own illness, treatment and mental adjustments. They shouldn’t have to be asked to reassure a football team of supporters!
Simply tell ‘em you care
Simply extend your concern and your love. Say how much the person is missed – at work, at the club, at home, and how you look forward to seeing them back – even if it might seem a long shot right now that they will recover. You’d be amazed at what some of my patients have pulled through, and often it’s in part because they know they’re needed.
Lay off the kid gloves
When they’re sick people want the reassurance that comes from being treated as part of the normal group. They do not usually want to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Keep the jokes coming
Laughter really is the best medicine!
Don’t play the doctor
If there is one absolute rule I have, it is this. The person you are visiting is often in a pretty vulnerable situation.
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
Jen and I recently came across this video, which sums "what not to say" perfectly!
A person you love has been diagnosed with cancer, or has started treatment for it, or may even be currently quite unwell with it, and perhaps in hospital. Are there any guidelines for you? Any “do’s” and “don’ts”?
Of course such situations are deeply personal, and you may well know quite well yourself exactly what your friend or relative wants or needs. Nonetheless, over the years, I have learnt certain rules, and I hope that some of these may be helpful to you, modified and altered always, of course, by the individual personality and needs of the person you are concerned about.
Be yourself
This sounds trite, but we often get hung up when we visit people who are sick, by our own self-obsession. The most important thing is that you care enough to have taken some steps to show your concern, whether this is by visiting, sending a gift, or a card, or phoning. The gesture is what counts.
If you’re upset to the point of tears, fine. Cry. There can be no finer demonstration of how much someone means to you than such spontaneous displays of emotion.
Be physical
Actions are far better than words. Even if it’s your boss, and you’ve never done it before, if you feel so inclined, give her a hug.
Don’t ask too many questions
People who are dealing with cancer at any stage are often exhausted with their own illness, treatment and mental adjustments. They shouldn’t have to be asked to reassure a football team of supporters!
Simply tell ‘em you care
Simply extend your concern and your love. Say how much the person is missed – at work, at the club, at home, and how you look forward to seeing them back – even if it might seem a long shot right now that they will recover. You’d be amazed at what some of my patients have pulled through, and often it’s in part because they know they’re needed.
Lay off the kid gloves
When they’re sick people want the reassurance that comes from being treated as part of the normal group. They do not usually want to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Keep the jokes coming
Laughter really is the best medicine!
Don’t play the doctor
If there is one absolute rule I have, it is this. The person you are visiting is often in a pretty vulnerable situation.
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
- DO NOT talk about Aunty Madge who has the same problem but is on different chemo.
- DO NOT remark on “how common it is” and how “ten people have left our office just in the last six months because of it.” What is the point of this gossip and who does it help?
- DO NOT tell the story about the lady at the club who cured her cancer with shark cartilage/ rhubarb juice/ Chinese herbs.
- DO NOT bring along a recipe/website/contact for a “wonder treatment” that you heard about on late night chat radio (- ABC radio is a real shocker with respect to these, especially the Tony Delroy program).
- DO NOT ask why your friend didn’t have her breast removed/ have radiotherapy/ have hormones/ have chemotherapy like your friend Mabel did.
- DO NOT bring books on crazy cancer treatments/ diets, like the “Liver Cleansing Diet”, or the “No Dairy Foods” diet, or “I beat cancer with my mind”, or whatever. They are all junk, and they could make your friend temporarily miserable.
Jen and I recently came across this video, which sums "what not to say" perfectly!
Hospital Etiquette
Hospitals are incredibly busy places, even if they might not look it to you. Help the staff in the following ways:
- Observe Visiting Hours unless you have express permission to do otherwise.
- Try not to be hyper-critical. Sometimes stressed relatives do this as a way of “demonstrating” the extent of their affection and care for the sick person. They might speak sternly to a nurse for a relatively trivial oversight (eg. medications a few minutes late, or a rather unattractive meal). They might complain to the head nurse about a junior’s behaviour. They might “demand” a private room (these are in very short supply in most hospitals and are reserved often for those who have infective conditions or who need special nursing).
- Try to assist the nursing staff – my god they have a difficult job! Assist with moving furniture, bedpans, food trays. Get out of their way. Be pleasant and encouraging to them. Do not undermine them. They are wonderful people.
- Leave the bedside when any medical or nursing procedure is in process, like insertion of an intravenous line.
- Don’t ambush the most junior doctor on the ward with all your questions. Make a time to see the Consultant in charge on his or her ward round. Try to do this in a family group so that you all hear the same message. Doctors cannot deal with multiple different family members especially if they are estranged from each other. In these situations we rely on our patients to tell us who they wish us to talk to. Remember that patients have a right to keep all their medical matters private if they wish, and we must observe that right totally.
Visiting Etiquette
- Contact the patient by phone, or, preferably, the next of kin and ask when and if the patient would like to receive your visit. People lose much of their privacy and control in hospital. Do whatever you can to help your friend to preserve both.
- Keep your visit short – around 15 minutes, unless it is clear that your friend wants a longer stay, or you are immediate family.
- Avoid “bedside parties” where the big reunion of old friends takes precedence over the person in the bed, who may become quite exhausted by all the hilarity and chat.
- Bring a folding chair if you have one – they are scarce in hospitals.
- Be sensitive to moments of intimacy. For example, your friends daughter might arrive from overseas right in the middle of your visit. Make yourself scarce.
Gifts:
- This is a tricky one. If you really know the person well you might hit the jackpot with that special super- large supportive pillow, or a lovely soft cashmere knee-rug, or some beaut crisp cotton bed-ware.
- If you’re inventive you might be able to design a gadget that will hold the electric bed controls and the radio/TV controller so they don’t keep falling on the damned floor!
- Flowers are wonderful, but hospitals often have few vases and shelves, so it’s worth considering waiting until the person goes home. If you do send them to hospital send an arrangement in a vase, not just cut flowers which can be a nuisance.
- Fruit. Someone seems to think that flowers are too effeminate for blokes, so blokes often get drowned in enough fruit to make fruit salad for the Titanic. If you’re sick you don’t usually feel like eating fruit anyway! And, believe it or not, blokes like flowers!
- Grog. In the right situation, I think grog is the perfect gift. Nothing like a fine Cognac to sip on now and again – it stimulates the appetite and gets the blood flowing.
- Talking/Audio Books. These are fabulous for people who are a bit too groggy to read, and you don’t have to waste energy holding the thick book.
- Food. Lets face it, most hospital food is a disaster. Many wards have a microwave oven you can use to warm up some soup or some noodles. Soup and noodles. Yum. What else do you want if you’re feeling a bit crook? Bring it in a disposable microwave container, labelled with your friend’s name, with some plastic throw-away cutlery. If your friend isn’t hungry right then, stick it in the patients’ fridge.